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My weird way of beying in control and some other thoughts

The whole idea of restricting or maybe even quitting alcohol, cigarettes etc is to mobilize me and give me motivation. I now understood how much time I used to spend on entertainment. Problem with living only with entertainment is that the more you use something the less effect it gives. Hopefully, my plan will work and I'll manage to work through whole week and improve myself in every evening and only take my drug in friday evening, to continue working on myself on weekend.
Today I'm filling english literacy tests and maybe later on I'll read on tarot. I noticed that if i completely concentrate on something I don't get suicide-like thoughts nor I feel depression. So, it's quite a positive experience.

Hmm, today, maybe yesterday I finally understood how to separate my being from feelings.
It's so simple, but somehow I needed to experience it through a trance of sadness.
"me" or "I" that part of my mind, is not feelings, feelings surround it, they are AROUND it not INSIDE. Whether it's sadness, happiness, fear, those all feelings only surround my soul (?), my mind (?), so why should I even care about them? or pay attention to them? They are gonna vanish, or mutate into other ones, thats so simple, they are like clouds on the sky, they come and go.
Now I understood that feelings won't be in my way any more, in my way of achieving the Great Work.

yeah, i have to write it now as fast as i can so i wont use punctuation etc,

Thing is, i just though that i got into a calm state of mind in which i can be like a rock, not moved by anything, but now i understand its fake! its a lie, to get me sleep, to make me feel confortable so i lower my guard and get into same thinking pattern as before, wonder if i can oppose this clever weapon on my enemy.

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